Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in mauryne's LiveJournal:

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Monday, October 22nd, 2007
8:01 pm	Letting Go Sometimes, it is hard to stand in our own truth and trust what we know, especially when others would try to convince us otherwise. In these cases, others may be dealing with issues of guilt and shame. They may have their own agenda. They may be immersed in denial. They would like us to believe that we do not know what we know; they would like us not to trust ourselves; they would prefer to engage us in their nonsense. We don't have to forfeit our truth or our power to others. That is codependency. Believing lies is dangerous. When we stop trusting our truth, when we repress our instincts, when we tell ourselves there must be something wrong with us for feeling what we feel or believing what we believe, we deal a deadly blow to our self and our health. When we discount that important part of ourselves that knows what is the truth, we cut ourselves off from our center. We feel crazy. We get into shame, fear, and confusion. We can't get our bearings when we allow someone to pull the rug from under us. This does not mean that we are never wrong. But we are not always wrong. Be open. Stand in our truth. Trust what you know. And refuse to buy into denial, nonsense, bullying, or coercion that would like to take you off course. Ask to be shown the truth, clearly - not by the person trying to manipulate or convince you, but by yourself, your Higher Power, and the Universe. Today, I will trust my truth, my instincts, and my ability to ground myself in reality. I will not allow myself to be swayed by bullying, manipulating, games, dishonesty, or people with peculiar agendas. From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie (Comment on this)
Friday, January 19th, 2007
8:08 pm	Daffodils I love daffodils. They are just the happiest little guys, and when the ones in the bed in front of our house bloom each year, I run out to greet them with camera in hand. No matter how much snow has covered them, no matter how many bitterly cold nights have settled upon them, now matter how many ice storms have beaten and battered the ground above them, invariably and without fail, they shove their bright little faces up out of the earth and turn toward the sun as if to say, "Ha! Here I am! You didn't think I could do it this time, but in spite of it all, I'm still here!" No wonder the daffodil is the traditional flower symbol for cancer survivors. We endure the shock of diagnosis, the dread of surgeries and other treatments, the painful and often disabling side effects, and the fearful uncertainty that follows us the rest of our lives, because now we truly understand - we really and finally "get it" - that life is about hills and valleys, triumph and defeat, storms and sunshine and yet... and yet... and yet... we keep on keepin' on. We are the daffodils. Prayer of Renewal Beginnings, fresh and clean, part of the Sacred Wheel. Each morning is a new opportunity to share our love, our souls, and spirits with those who choose to walk this path along with us, to learn the lessons of the wheel, and grow closer to The-One-Who-Created-All. Each day is fresh and unblemished, clean and pure. Look around, rejoice in the New Beginning. The sun rises again, our hearts beat within our bodies, we draw fresh breath, and re-enter the world. Set aside the pain of past days. Each day begins afresh. Build upon the past, its lessons and joys. Be strengthened by the love within. Reach out in love to those around us, for each day is a gift given but once. KiiskeeN'tum- She Who Remembers Current Mood: thankful (Comment on this)
Friday, October 27th, 2006
9:30 pm	When im gone When I'm Gone---Thea Gilmore There's no place in this world where I’ll belong when I’m gone. And I won't know the right from the wrong when I’m gone. And you won't find me singin' on this song when I’m gone, So I guess I’ll have to do it while I’m here. And I won't feel the flowing of the time when I’m gone. All the pleasures of love will not be mine when I’m gone. My pen won't pour out a lyric line when I’m gone, So I guess I’ll have to do it while I’m here. And I won't breathe the bracing air when I’m gone. And I can't even worry 'bout my cares when I’m gone. Won't be asked to do my share when I’m gone. So I guess I’ll have to do it while I’m here. And I won't be running from the rain when I’m gone. And I can't even suffer from the pain when I’m gone. Can't say who's to praise and who's to blame when I’m gone, So I guess I’ll have to do it while I’m here. Won't see the golden of the sun when I’m gone. And the evenings and the mornings will be one when I’m gone. Can't be singing louder than the guns when I’m gone. So I guess I’ll have to do it while I’m here. All my days won't be dances of delight when I’m gone. And the sands will be shifting from my sight when I’m gone. Can't add my name into the fight while I’m gone, So I guess I’ll have to do it while I’m here. And I won't be laughing at the lies when I’m gone. And I can't question how or when or why when I’m gone. Can't live proud enough to die when I’m gone, So I guess I’ll have to do it while I’m here. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 17th, 2006
2:16 pm	I like this!!!!!!! The object of life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, chocolate in hand, and loudly proclaiming -- WOW-- What a Ride!. Current Mood: calm (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, August 25th, 2006
7:32 pm	Breaking free from cancer's grip means looking at it another way Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain. And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy. And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields. And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief. Kahlil Gibran Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
Friday, August 18th, 2006
12:31 pm	a Reflection By now, I've been told a million times to "keep a positive attitude." But how do I do that? How do you stay upbeat when you or someone you care about is facing yet another surgery, chemotherapy, radiation or other uncomfortable treatment? How do you laugh when every day is filled with trips to the clinic or hospital, seemingly endless tests and constant worry about what tomorrow will bring? Sometimes it helps just to remember that you are not alone. Here are some of the best tips we've gathered from cancer survivors and caregivers. When you see or hear something that makes you smile or laugh, buy it, record it, write it down, draw it, take a picture of it, cut it out or whatever you have to do to keep it where you can look at it or listen to it any time you want to. Focus on the future. Plan all the things you're going to do when you or your loved one is well again. Write them down. Be specific. Are you going to have a family reunion? Plan the menu. Are you going on a cruise? Plan your wardrobe. Thinking about a new career or hobby? List the items you'll need to buy. Read everything you can find about your new area of interest. You can make yourself laugh. Go to www.afi.com, click on "Quick Links" and then "100 Years...100 Laughs" for the American Film Institute's list of the 100 funniest movies ever made. Then start working your way through the list. And you just can't help but laugh at television programs like "America's Funniest Home Videos" and all those "Bloopers" shows. Don't forget the power of music to affect our moods. Whether your taste runs to classic rock 'n roll or gospel, choose songs with messages of survival, love, courage and beating the odds. Some of our favorites are Elton John's "I'm Still Standing," Gloria Estefan's "Reach," and Brian McKnight's "Win." Find a song that makes you feel powerful and make it your theme song. Play it every day! Wear clothes and accessories that make you feel braver. This really works! Wear ball caps with the insignia of the NYPD, FDNY or your local fire or police department. Wear shirts and caps from your favorite branch of the military or any organization of brave men and women; align yourself with them by wearing their gear. Even clothing with conspicuous logos like "No Fear" can make you feel more courageous. Try it! Just as music and laughter are healing, so are peace and quiet. Set aside sacred time for yourself to pray, meditate, visualize yourself whole and well, or just read and rest. Calm yourself with deep breathing. Be very still and quiet. Create something. Anything! Paint a picture. Write a poem or a song. Keep a journal. Bake a cake. Take some pictures. Build a birdhouse or a web site. Color in a coloring book. You were creative as a child. Did you draw? Play with clay? Whatever you did, you were good at it. What was it? Do it again! Move your body. Exercise if you can, but if you're not able to right now, that's okay. You can still move! Wiggle a little bit in your chair or bed. Get in the water if at all possible - a bathtub, shower, hot tub, pool or the ocean - and just move a little! Dance if you can, even sitting down (it's called "chair dancing"!). Start walking as you grow stronger. You'll be amazed at how much better you'll feel with a little extra oxygen in your blood! Celebrate every milestone! The last chemotherapy or radiation treatment, removal of stitches and catheters, the first hair that grows back - all of these are cause for celebration! Go out to a fancy restaurant, buy something wonderful (how about a trophy for that special survivor or caregiver?) - whatever makes you feel like the winner you are. Whether survivor or caregiver, you've earned it! Live your dreams. Now! The greatest lesson cancer teaches us is that no one is promised tomorrow. If there is something you have always dreamed of doing and you've always said, "I'll do that some day," some day is now! Not even the healthiest, strongest, youngest person among us is guaranteed another minute on this earth. We need to live in the moment, and we need to live our dreams today. Dear God, some days I am frozen by despair. I cannot think of anything but the next treatment, the next surgery, the next test. I can't focus on anything but waiting to see what will happen in the next moment. Oh, God, please rescue me from this despair! Make my legs move. Raise me from this chair or bed and push me to the window! Make me look out on all the miracles of Your creation! Make me look into the eyes of a child and see the wonder and joy in that perfect innocence. Make me be still and simply observe as others care for me so that I might really see the love they have for me. Remind me of music and sunshine and ocean breezes, of windchimes and waterfalls and a baby's breath. Help me find the things I've lost, my favorite poem, a book I once loved, a hobby I used to enjoy. Rescue me today, dear God, and remind me to live one beautiful, precious moment at a time. Amen borrowed from"the Cancer Crusade" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Roger and Kathy Cawthon The Cancer Crusade -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- email: (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, August 12th, 2006
11:41 pm	Do it anyway The Paradoxical Commandments by Dr. Kent M. Keith People are illogical, unreasonable, and self- centered. Love them anyway. If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives. Do good anyway. If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway. The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank anyway. The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds. Think big anyway. People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs. Fight for a few underdogs anyway. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway. People really need help but may attack you if you do help them. Help people anyway. Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth. Give the world the best you have anyway. Current Mood: thoughtful (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, July 24th, 2006
9:43 pm	my moment Hey GUESS WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IFELT GREAT TODAY I MEAN G R E A T I CLEANED CUPBOARDS AND ALL KINDS OF THINGS I LAUGHED AT SILLY THINGS AND PET MY DOG I changed my poor gooseclothes (they have been wearing the same ones for 3 months) I ate real food and it didn’t hurt to swallow and it didnt taste like poison And it tasted so damn good so ate some more----- And I thanked God He gave me today—because I didn’t hurt anywhere And I didn’t have to cry today And I was strong And I was healthy again there was no cancer, no nausea, no stomach aches, no aches and pains, no tongue swollen up to 3 times its size, my face was pink, not grey, and my eyes are bright, not dull, I ran outside in the back yard and I looked at the trees and the sky and the little squirrels peeking at me--- and they knew-- i was all right. Today i can do anything because God walks by my side-- and he Gave Me this day so I can face the rest My moment of peace---my Treasure of Life To remember why I am still here and why I am still fighting. Still Strong and still kicking. YES!!! (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, July 8th, 2006
7:55 pm	HE I am haunted at this moment by "He" by Jars of clay." I never saw—why didn’t I see? I thought I helped. I made it worse. Did I take your spirit away? Did you fall over and over and no one really was ever there to pick you up. Who hated you ? Not I. Not him. I was proud. Why did you have to hide? Fearful tears are running down. You took my heart away from me. I am falling down, No one is picking me up. I cant hear you any longer. My helpless tears are falling. My Jesus can help us both. He loves us When I kissed the face of my baby boy, I kissed the face of God. I cant see that face any longer. The pages are getting shorter. Life means so much. Why is that so hard to see? A heart that is broken can still go on ---it can heal Haunted questions life isnt fair None of us are assured of tomorrow. We arent that much different after all. Current Mood: distressed (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 30th, 2006
5:47 pm	PRECIOUS LIFE An overpowering feeling came to me the other day as I held my newborn grandson in my arms after he was born. It overwhelmed me and it brought me to tears and thankfulness, with the realization that I AM HERE ON THE EARTH AND HEALTHY ENOUGH TO HOLD AND DRINK IN THE INNOCENCE OF NEW LIFE. I am so lucky,,, LIFE IS so precious, and LIFE is full of gifts such as this one. We often speed past all of the sweetness that God places around us and never really notice it. I DO. When I feel something special happening, I grasp it ang hold it close to me. And I am thankful to be here to experience all of it. Modern medicine keeps me here. It may make my life a bit more challenging, but I can stand up to it and bypass the physical side of it, and go on to live the good and special moments in my life. when I held that little boy, I remembered holding my own little babies long ago. God lent them to me until it was time to let them go. They are still loved just as much as the day that I brought their little bodies into this world, and Jesus breathed life into them. Thank God for innocent babies. (Comment on this)
Friday, February 17th, 2006
9:23 pm	Faces in the Mirror FACES in the Mirror Child of my Heart I saw your face in the mirror As I brought you into the world A cherub Pink and brand new. Child of my soul You became a toddler And discovered Ants hiding under sand hills And I taught you to feel. My child Went off to school And came home with tears. When your feelings were damaged. And I taught you to forgive. My child Climbed mountains too high to reach And planted flowers on the top. The goal he achieved on his own As he learned to win. My child of teen years Sped by us like a flash Winking as he won the gold crown Again and again and again. And I tried to teach him humility. This child of love Mounted his dragon And shot arrows at me. His face was a beast With eyes of snakes and the tongue of swords. While the arrow Pierced my soul I tried to confront the monster But he escaped my hold And plundered my heart. With my heart ripped to pieces I stumbled to the victor And with my hands, destroyed him. He lay panting, curled in a ball. His last breath betraying him. One last time, I looked in the mirror At the face before me It was a cherub Pink and brand new. Current Mood: thoughtful (Comment on this)
8:52 pm	"Children" borrowed from shirley who borrowed it from who knows "And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children. And He said: Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you, Yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you can't visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, But seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far. Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness; For even as He loves the arrow that flies; so He loves also the bow that is stable." . Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 9th, 2006
10:38 pm	If you dont like what I have to say, dont read it or respond I stay in my little corner of the world with my firm beliefs in my heart. I dont force anyone to agree with me, and I have stated that I dont want to be challenged or persuaded to change my ideas.I am not interested in listening to views that oppose mine. Call me close minded, thats fine, THIS IS ME AND I DONT ASK ANYONE'S PERMISSION TO THINK LIKE I DO. If you find offense with this, then stay the hell off my journal. Do not send me web sights that conflict with my Christian and moral views. I will not read them and thus you are wasting your time. Responding anonymously is cowardly. But then, so is sending immoral websights to me. Current Mood: contemplative (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, December 11th, 2005
2:38 pm	Who am I ? My Terms My Right This is MY side MY terms MY pain MY ideas. This is MY WORLD and I can choose how I live it. without apology or explanation. I choose who enters my world and who I let stay. I have my own set of morals These are MY rules to live by. I cant change yours Dont try to change mine. I have a serious illnes that is MINE It is MY choice how I fight it and what details I choose to share. If I decide that I wont add burdens to those I love, then so be it. Its MY choice to share or not. I can minimize my stack of anguish by choosing to eliminate upsetting people from mylife. I beleive in God- I can Banish Evil and False Gods from my life because it is MY CHOICE. I dont have to explain. I beleive In Christmas as renewed Faith in Christ Jesus. A Child is born who will lead us. I beleive in the Magic of Santa Claus and eating Turkey on thanksgiving. I got married and chose ONE MAN and will be forever faithful to him alone. And he will be by my side until death parts us== because of our PROMISES. I believe men are men and women are women and God doesnt make mistakes. There is no in between. I dont want to be challenged I dont want to have to defend my views. I dont want questions about what I beleive I dont want to be forced to accept things that sicken my soul. I have lived my life MY WAY and I will not change what I beleive. In my heart I am doing what I have to, and what I beleive with all my heart. To deviate from my ways would compromise and destroy who I am--- I will go to my Maker knowing and forever believing that I am right. (11 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, December 10th, 2005
11:24 am	Unfounded Imprisonment As you put the pieces of the puzzles together and they dont seem to fit: Take a look in the mirror past the cobwebs and closed doors Beyond yesterday... See the snarling mamoth Beast attacking you shredding you. and no one would save you. See the serpent rear its ugly head enter your room slashing you with its angry sword. and no one would save you. Helpless, beaten, broken..... Look in the mirror Look deep in your eyes See the real Truth Work the puzzle till it fits and becomes YOU. See the reality. Do you see the love, the caring? See who was by your side to save you? Look again Take a good look And remember and FACE it. Look past the illusion, the fantasy, and the imagined Blame. Walk past the ruins, Abandoned Soldier. Sever these ties that bind you to the unreality. And be free of it. Look in the mirror and see the Truth--- SEE YOURSELF Current Mood: thoughtful (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005
8:17 am	Results This Is My Life, Rated Life: 6.4 Mind: 6.5 Body: 5.2 Spirit: 8 Friends/Family: 6.9 Love: 9.1 Finance: 5.7 Take the Rate My Life Quiz (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 28th, 2005
7:41 pm	Sharing Some Tears Today I found out that the same person who befriended me when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer has only a very short time left. I feel empty inside. She emailed me and sent me medals and books and gave me so much inspriration and hope. When I first started chemo she was right there each day and I could tell her how I felt and she helped me get thru it and she told me what to expect. When I had my surgeries, she would pray for me. I never met her, only spoke to her thru emails. Her name was Joanne. Almost like my mom's name. And now death is knocking on her door. I dont know how to feel, I want to cry--i am scared---i dont want her to die, to suffer. I want God to put His arms around her, and hold her close, and keep away all the suffering---she had enough suffering. I pray she is at peace now. Why is cancer so terrible like this? Why does it move so cunningly and quietly thru you and you dont even know what you are fighting. Today is one day that I feel vulnerable and sad. She fought long and hard and so will I . Life to me is the most precious gift there could be, and we all need to live every MOMENT of every day doing what will make us the Happiest people there are. Because we are not assured of tomorrow, or the future, none of us are---it is a damn shame to waste our precious moments on anything but good things. From here on in, I am going to double my efforts to make sure everyone around me lives their lives the way God meant us to---the best we can, and do what we want to do---not making excuses, and not complaining about the stuff which doesnt matter. I feel like I want to jump in my convertible with the top down and the wind in my short hair (thankful that some has come back and I still have it) and look at this wonderful place that is our home for such a short time.And be glad I am here and can realize the importance of it. Live every minute Current Mood: thoughtful (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, September 12th, 2005
10:39 am	Scared Okay--Im scared--REALLY scared this time. Tomorrow is the cat scan to see if this new stuff is working and I am terrified. I want so much for it to be in remission. But the other side of the coin scares me. Is my time running out? I prayed so hard yesterday for my kids and for Eric and this rotten cancer. I am so afraid to hope that it might be in remission. Whoever reads this, can you send a prayer? Thank you----- Current Mood: scared Current Music: EVERY DAY IS A GIFT (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 4th, 2005
1:42 pm	A quiet voice speaks out from the fog I have been watching and seeing what has been going on lately amonst my children and i have spent the last few days with tears in my pillow just as my SON JON cried in his pillow every day after school so many years ago. I see the anger and frustration that has risen out of this situation and thw whole thing is making mw ill. I see the son I knew and gave birth to whose name was Jon die and now I have to go thru mourning for his death. I see the emptiness in the eyes of the new "JOYCE". I lost the fun loving, happy go lucky son that used to be the life of every party, and was the energy behind our family times together. I saw how his beloved niece looked for him and laughed with him as he became the same child she is. Now this new "Joyce" doesnt give her a glance or a thought. I see tears where there was laughter, an emptieness where there was fulfillment,and an end to a mariage, and especially an ending of a brother and sister that was stonger than steel. So I wonder to myself, Miss Joyce, what makes you think that you will happier with these tremendous losses that you are incurring? I see no better person in this new image. I see someone who is totally obsessed with these IDEAS and you have lost your feelings for others. Now it appears that all that matters is these newly formed friendships and these new conceptions of yourself. We are all drowning in this entire issue. We are mourning your death. We lost who we knew, who we loved, and now are forced to deal with a stranger. And some of us have been lashing out because we dont understand and do not know how to stop this. We see it from our side, and HATE THIS!!! DESPISE THIS!!!!!!!!! We try to find an answer---cant find it---where did this begin, how did this happen, who MADE you do this? No answers come. Were you influenced? Is this your own decision? If it is, how did you arrive at it so quickly when we knew nothing of this? How can you expect us to accept this change in you when it is OBVIOUSLY destroying every part and relationship and person in your life? How can you tell us this is what you WANT??? How is this any GOOD? Can you deny what you knew for your entire life and held dear, and just throw it away? If you had to change, why is it not for the BETTER????> None of us can see how this is better. This is too fast in coming. It seems like you are isolating yourself from every person in your life to achieve this so called "happiness". Yes, I was the one who said I would stand by and support you---but that was the Jon I knew. Idont know Joyce, and I really dont think I like her. I could have been supportive, had I saw that this change was enriching your life. I see nothing but hell in front of you. And I cant watch. Current Mood: cold Current Music: nothing sounds like music anymore (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, August 12th, 2005
2:59 pm	Its gonna be okay I think it will be okay. The heart doc said that if I get a heart attack--Ill survive it. He doesnt want to do anything but meds for now and see if I get any more chest pains and then we might have to do the heart cath thing. The blockage is OUT of the heart. I guess its a good thing. And he said I have enough aggravation to my body with the chemo so for now we aren't gonna do anything and watch and see what happens. At least it wont stop the chemo like I was afraid it would. I am still so afraid----I guess this is just another big hurdle to get thru ----- Sometimes I dont know where my strength comes from. But I keep on finding it, and people tell me I am an inspiration. There are days i feel like a failure. I sometimes think about just giving up the fight and letting it happen, and then I dont have to think about "WHEN or HOW". But this is too selfish and it isnt my decision to make. I have too many people who love me and I'll fight to keep going for them. My children, my husband, my family, and my friends. I just need strength and Ill keep on going. Current Mood: determined (Comment on this)